Seven-year-old Leon stands in front of the school entrance and refuses to go in. His mother looks helplessly at her trembling child. "What if I fail the maths test?" he whispers. The scene is ordinary. And so is the reaction of many parents: "Don't worry, it'll be fine." But does that well-meant reassurance actually help? Or does it rob children of something they urgently need for their development?
In a society that promotes perfection and permanent well-being, worry is treated as a problem. Anxious children should be calmed, their thoughts distracted. Parents want to protect their children, to spare them distress. In doing so, they overlook something important: worry is not a flaw in the system, but a vital part of emotional development.
Developmental anxieties belong to growing up
Most childhood fears are typical for a particular age. Toddlers fear separation, four-year-olds fear monsters, primary school children fear failure. These fears come and go; they are part of the maturation process. Children learn to handle uncomfortable feelings. They discover that fear is not fatal and that they can develop strategies for coping with it.
Research shows that children who are allowed to work through their worries develop greater psychological resilience. The landmark Kauai Study, conducted by developmental psychologists Emmy Werner and Ruth Smith, followed 698 children over 40 years (Werner & Smith, 1982). A third of the children who grew up under difficult conditions nonetheless developed stable personalities. They had learned to face adversity actively, rather than run from it.
More recent findings confirm this.
"Resilient study participants who tended to overcome negative events with persistence, optimism, and active problem-solving showed no elevated anxiety or depression."
That is how Manfred Beutel of the University Medical Center Mainz summarised the results of a representative 2017 study. The key point: these individuals had not avoided hardship, but had lived through it and come out the other side.
When parents take on too much
The problem starts when parents try to eliminate every worry their children have. They call the school, resolve conflicts with friends, and remove every challenge from the child's path. Overprotection may come from love, but it prevents exactly what children need for a stable life: the experience of managing difficulties on their own.
Children who never learn to handle worry paradoxically often develop greater anxieties later in life. They have never experienced the feeling that they themselves can make a difference. They lack the sense of self-efficacy that comes from having mastered a difficult situation.
Luise Poustka, Medical Director of the Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at Heidelberg University Hospital, observes a rise in anxiety disorders among adolescents. Many have never learned to cope with ordinary everyday worries. "It is important that children know what is expected of them, while at the same time feeling warmth and empathy," she explains. Clear expectations combined with support: that is the balance.
The difference between normal worries and clinical anxiety
There are, of course, limits. Not every worry promotes development. When children suffer from intense anxiety for weeks on end, when they can no longer sleep, when worries dominate daily life, that is a warning sign. Professional help is then needed.
Most childhood fears, however, are time-limited and fade once the child has moved through the relevant developmental phase. What matters is that adults take these fears seriously without dramatising them. "Oh, that's nothing" is just as unhelpful as "Oh no, you poor thing." Both fail to take the child seriously.
What parents can do
Parents support their children best by being present without taking over. When Leon is afraid of the maths test, telling him "Don't worry" does not help. Better to ask: "What exactly are you afraid of?" and then think together: "What could you do to feel better prepared?"
That way the child learns to name feelings and develop solutions. The experience becomes: I am not alone with my worries, but I can do something about them myself. This experience of self-efficacy is the core of resilience.
Modelling also helps. When parents speak openly about their own worries and show how they deal with them, they give children a template. "I sometimes feel uncertain before important appointments too. I prepare well and take a few deep breaths" is more authentic than claiming to never feel afraid.
Worry as raw material for inner strength
Resilience research is clear: it is not the absence of problems that builds strength, but the act of overcoming them. Children need challenges they can grow through. Worries and anxieties belong to that.
The BELLA Study, a comprehensive investigation into the mental health of children and adolescents in Germany (Ravens-Sieberer et al., 2007), found that children with stable attachments and the opportunity to solve problems themselves develop better coping strategies. They learn that difficulties are part of life and can be overcome.
Parents do their children no favours by taking every worry off their plate. They deprive them of the training they need for a psychologically stable life. Better to accompany the child, to listen, to encourage, but not to take over.
And sometimes that means sitting with a crying child who is frightened before a class test. That is hard for parents who love their child. But this is precisely where the opportunity lies: learning that worry does not mean the end of the world. It can be a beginning.
