A warm spring day, the sun is shining, yet Marion sits in her living room staring at her phone. The message from her sister, sent three years ago, is still there in the chat history. No contact since then, no call, no conversation. Only a silent resentment that has lodged itself in Marion's body like a chronic illness. Her head throbs, her shoulders are tense, and at night she cannot sleep. What Marion does not know: her anger has long since stopped hurting her sister. It only hurts herself.
When Resentment Makes You Ill
It sounds paradoxical, but it is scientifically established. Those who refuse to forgive others punish themselves above all. Chronic anger activates the body's stress response, raises blood pressure and heart rate, and weakens the immune system. "It is an enormous physical burden to be hurt and disappointed," says Karen Swartz, Director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at Johns Hopkins Hospital. The body remains locked in a permanent fight-or-flight mode. The result: exhaustion, tension, illness.
And yet many people cling to their resentment as though it were a precious possession. As if the anger could protect them from future hurt. As if forgiving were a sign of weakness. The research shows the opposite is true.
What Science Knows About Forgiveness
Forgiveness does not mean minimising the wrong done or restoring the relationship with the person. Forgiveness means finding inner peace by placing less blame on others. That is how psychologists such as Fred Luskin of Stanford University define it. Luskin has spent years researching the effects of forgiveness, and through the Stanford Forgiveness Projects he developed a nine-step programme that helps people move out of the victim role and into a healthier life, building resilience and mental strength in the long term.
The results are striking. A large-scale study led by Tyler VanderWeele of the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health examined more than 4,500 people from five countries in 2023, including Colombia, Hong Kong, and South Africa. Participants who practised with a forgiveness workbook reported significantly fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety disorders after just two weeks (VanderWeele et al., Harvard, 2023). Earlier studies had already shown that forgiveness reduces stress, improves sleep, and lowers blood pressure and heart rate.
"Forgiveness acknowledges the wrong and helps you free yourself from it. You can forgive and wish the best for the other person without the relationship being restored."
That is Tyler VanderWeele, who adds: one can forgive someone and still demand justice. Forgiveness and legitimate anger are not mutually exclusive.
The Method: Nine Steps to Letting Go
Luskin's programme begins with reflecting on one's own experience. How does one feel about what happened? What exactly was not right? This is followed by a personal commitment: I will work on forgiving. Not for the other person, but for myself. Because forgiveness is, above all, a path to feeling better within oneself.
A decisive step is the shift in perspective. The burden felt in the present moment comes from hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical reactions right now, not from the injury two minutes or ten years ago. When a memory torments, breathing exercises, a walk, or a mindfulness practice can help. The goal is to stop directing energy toward the pain and redirect it toward positive changes in one's own life.
Luskin's programme has been tested worldwide. In Sierra Leone, teachers completed a five-day version incorporating culturally specific prayer. They became more grateful, more satisfied with their lives, and less stressed. In the Northern Ireland conflict, relatives of murder victims were introduced to the method. They became more vital, more reconciliatory, and suffered less from emotional pain and depression.
- Reflect on what happened: How do you feel? What was not right? Articulate it clearly and share it with someone you trust.
- Commit yourself to working on forgiveness, and remember that forgiveness helps you above all.
- Understand: forgiving does not necessarily mean reconciliation or excusing. It is about finding inner peace, not letting someone off the hook.
- Try to shift your perspective: the suffering you feel now comes from current thoughts and feelings and is not identical to the original event.
- When the past weighs on you, use calming body and breathing exercises or mindfulness-based practices to reduce your stress.
- Acknowledge: you can work toward good outcomes, but the feelings and actions of others are not fully within your control. Holding on to that often causes unnecessary suffering.
- Stop dwelling on the pain you have endured and direct your energy instead toward positive changes and your own well-being.
- Turn your gaze toward the love, beauty, and kindness around you and recognise what you have, rather than focusing on what seems lost.
- Remember: you have taken the courageous step of forgiving.
A Society Stuck in Resentment
Our society is quick to judge and slow to forgive. On social networks, mistakes are not forgiven but archived forever. This is called cancel culture, and it contributes to people losing the ability to give others a second chance. Research shows, however, that older and more educated people tend to forgive more readily. Perhaps because they know: nobody is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes.
Forgiveness is also a question of culture. In collectivist societies, where social harmony carries more weight than individual needs, reconciliation is often seen as an essential part of forgiveness. In the West, by contrast, the emphasis falls on: forgiveness is for you, not for the other person. Both perspectives have their validity. What matters is that forgiveness always remains a choice, never an obligation.
What You Can Do
Those who want to forgive can begin with small steps. First, name the experience clearly, ideally in conversation with a trusted person or in writing in a journal. Then shift the perspective: how would a neutral observer describe the situation, without emphasising one's own role as victim? The point is not to excuse the other person's behaviour, but to reduce one's own inner burden.
It also helps to recall a time when you yourself hurt someone and were granted forgiveness. That memory can strengthen the resolve to offer the same to others. Forgiveness is not a one-time act. It must be renewed again and again whenever the memory returns. At those moments, it helps to remind yourself: I have forgiven. I ultimately wish the other person well.
One thing matters: forgiveness does not mean letting the other person back into your life. You can forgive and still set healthy boundaries. Sometimes forgiveness happens from a distance, without a single word ever being exchanged.
A Path, Not a Destination
Marion has since started writing down her story. Not for her sister, but for herself. She is practising looking at the situation from a different angle. It is hard, but the nightly headaches are becoming less frequent. Forgiveness is not an eraser that wipes out the past. It is a decision to change one's own response to memories. And sometimes what helps most is simply: a clear head. And a warmer heart.
